Is break supposed to suck so bad?
Should I want it to be over right now?
Well, I am pretty sure that I do.
Putting a few hours from a couple of days aside, I haven't seen anyone, I haven't gone anywhere, and I haven't done anything.
As time goes on, I wish more and more that high school wasn't over; college is a lonely place, most of the time. I miss my friends - I miss seeing them in the hallway everyday and having classes with them; I miss knowing so many of the people around me. I just want that all back, and maybe to be a year younger (and a grade lower), too; that way I'd be with the people who seem to care about me the most.
For days, I've just felt like crying. That's not how it's supposed to be. I should be out having a good time with my friends. But, no. All I get are those meaningless offers - "we're going to hang out soon"... Yeaaa, soon never seems to come. I always get my hopes up over nothing. Just stop telling me that "we will do something fun soon!" Seriously, I've been let down enough already. Just tell me the truth because I already know what that is: "Sarah, maybe, if I'm not too busy for you and I don't have any better offers, we can do something like once every month?" Okay, so that's a bit of an exaggeration, I know. Still, the point is, I wouldn't get as upset over things that I don't expect to happen in the first place. Now, I just give up hope and trust all together - that is until someone proves to me that I can think otherwise.
[[You're a walking contradiction; you give me false hope.]]
I believe that I'll be happy again sometime soon, because everything seems to change so quickly - even though 'quickly' can sometimes seem like forever. For instance, people get closer, you get replaced; or people make up, and again, you get replaced. It gets harder and harder every time, especially since no one has really given me a reason to think that I'm an important part in their life - I mean, for all I know, my friends would do just fine if we never spoke again; they have so many other people to turn to.
Sometimes, I think about meeting a genuine 'best friend' and leaving people behind - people who made me feel worthless at times. But, I hate myself even more for even thinking such a thing.
I still want to hear that you're sorry; I want you to let me know that I matter; I want to be at the top of the list - the most important 'Sarah' in your life; I want us to be forever; I just want to be together; I want to have fun; I don't want to cry; I'm tired of tears; just stop with the lies; I love you, I love you all but what's going on right now just isn't enough.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Alone.
The Sad Silence.
She hides her thoughts;
she keeps them in a bottle.
She waits for the day
that she can let them out and SMILE.
The truth is, she isn't confident;
flaws don't equal beauty.
But, she stores up all the compliments
in hopes that one day
she will BELIEVE them.
Oh, how she misses you,
the way you are when you aren't with them.
She hates that she'll never, ever compare;
she longs to fit in
&& not STAND OUT.
Sometimes she cries;
sometimes she lies,
to save all of her friendships
that are only getting WORSE.
Maybe she's just paranoid.
Or, maybe it's a CURSE.
[[and sometimes she wishes that she didn't make lame attempts at any form of writing...]]
Yea, so I've just been thinking lately - actually, I am always doing that; and it's always a wide range of jumbled emotions and thoughts. But, now I can't think, so this entry is done.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Friends.
I hate the fact that people I know might read this. But, it might actually be a good thing if they did, since I tend to not be completely open with everyone. This I know.
So, the honest truth is, I don't think I have a best friend. Ya know, someone I can tell absolutely everything to. I really don't know if I ever did. Don't get me wrong, there are quite a few people who come close, but close is still too far away.
Right now, the girl I used to spend essentially all of my time with for years is hardly in my life anymore. That's not what I want. I want her too not be so busy and to not be so consumed by her after school activity. Sidewalks, tracks, and dirt paths at Wildwood park replaced me. It sucks. I'd tell her that I miss her, but that's not the kind of relationship we had; we never really talked about our problems to each other. Or maybe she just never had any? Either way, it was nice just being able to hang out with someone and no drama be included; we had our own disconnected world together - probably because we never hung out with each others' friends. Strange? Possibly. But I loved every minute of it.
Of course, devoting all of my free time - my summer and my weekends once school started - to one person probably wasn't such a great idea while trying to have other friends, as well. But, I did it anyway and then wondered why the heck I didn't feel as much a part of the group as everyone else was. The thing is, I don't know that I ever wanted to be a part of the group anyway. I never felt like I fit in or had many things in common with the rest of them. That's what pushed me away. Why put in so much effort to fit in when you already have someone who shares so many interest with you? Yea, I suppose that was my reasoning. I don't know if I did the right thing, but the good news is, I met new people - people whom I never want out of my life - and have maintained a stable friendship with most everyone else, too.
Truth be told, when I started making new friends, I felt like a total jerk; I didn't want anyone else to get the idea that they weren't good enough. But, that was the problem; I didn't wanna be in a clique. I had to branch out. And I am so glad I did. Most of the time.
The thing about getting close to people is the fact that something will get in the way, eventually. The happiness and lack of conflict doesn't last forever. And, at that very time when you make one of the closest friends you have in your life cry becuase you didn't want her to ruin her life, something happens - like when a mirror shatters; you can piece it back together, but there will always be cracks. At this point in time, that's exactly what I think. Many a time I sacrifice my happiness for hers. Maybe because I'm stupid. Or maybe because I don't wanna go through another break in our friendship. Not like that doesn't occur regularly anyway. I mean, I get put on a dang waiting list just to hang out with her nowadays. I've learned the hard way that a boyfriend is more than just a boyfriend, he's a best friend, someone who will steal your importance in mere weeks. And, until I work up the nerve to tell her exactly how lousy I think she is balancing her time between her friends and the 'love of her life', I'd just like to say that I miss how things used to be. Oh, and ask her if she really meant it when she said I could tell her anything and that she'd always be there for me. Cause I certainly had a miserable winter break, and I didn't see much effort on her part.
As for my part, I need to start putting more effort into all of my friendships. I need to stop thinking that just because someone hasn't called in a long time that they have forgotten about me, or that just because I did something to make someone mad I have to pretend as if I do not exist until they finally decide to talk to me. I can't just wait around and do nothing if I haven't heard from anyone in awhile I have to develop more initiative; I have to invite people to do things; I have to call people up just to say 'hey'. I have to prove to people that I really do care, because sometimes it probably doesn't show.
And, I have to get past the past and learn that I can trust people. There isn't any reason why someone shouldn't want to be my friend and be able to trust me enough to tell me things about their life. I need to get over every trace of paranoia that something will ruin every relationship I have and just focus on being a friend to everyone who matters to me. Because, without them, I'd be a wreck.
So, the honest truth is, I don't think I have a best friend. Ya know, someone I can tell absolutely everything to. I really don't know if I ever did. Don't get me wrong, there are quite a few people who come close, but close is still too far away.
Right now, the girl I used to spend essentially all of my time with for years is hardly in my life anymore. That's not what I want. I want her too not be so busy and to not be so consumed by her after school activity. Sidewalks, tracks, and dirt paths at Wildwood park replaced me. It sucks. I'd tell her that I miss her, but that's not the kind of relationship we had; we never really talked about our problems to each other. Or maybe she just never had any? Either way, it was nice just being able to hang out with someone and no drama be included; we had our own disconnected world together - probably because we never hung out with each others' friends. Strange? Possibly. But I loved every minute of it.
Of course, devoting all of my free time - my summer and my weekends once school started - to one person probably wasn't such a great idea while trying to have other friends, as well. But, I did it anyway and then wondered why the heck I didn't feel as much a part of the group as everyone else was. The thing is, I don't know that I ever wanted to be a part of the group anyway. I never felt like I fit in or had many things in common with the rest of them. That's what pushed me away. Why put in so much effort to fit in when you already have someone who shares so many interest with you? Yea, I suppose that was my reasoning. I don't know if I did the right thing, but the good news is, I met new people - people whom I never want out of my life - and have maintained a stable friendship with most everyone else, too.
Truth be told, when I started making new friends, I felt like a total jerk; I didn't want anyone else to get the idea that they weren't good enough. But, that was the problem; I didn't wanna be in a clique. I had to branch out. And I am so glad I did. Most of the time.
The thing about getting close to people is the fact that something will get in the way, eventually. The happiness and lack of conflict doesn't last forever. And, at that very time when you make one of the closest friends you have in your life cry becuase you didn't want her to ruin her life, something happens - like when a mirror shatters; you can piece it back together, but there will always be cracks. At this point in time, that's exactly what I think. Many a time I sacrifice my happiness for hers. Maybe because I'm stupid. Or maybe because I don't wanna go through another break in our friendship. Not like that doesn't occur regularly anyway. I mean, I get put on a dang waiting list just to hang out with her nowadays. I've learned the hard way that a boyfriend is more than just a boyfriend, he's a best friend, someone who will steal your importance in mere weeks. And, until I work up the nerve to tell her exactly how lousy I think she is balancing her time between her friends and the 'love of her life', I'd just like to say that I miss how things used to be. Oh, and ask her if she really meant it when she said I could tell her anything and that she'd always be there for me. Cause I certainly had a miserable winter break, and I didn't see much effort on her part.
As for my part, I need to start putting more effort into all of my friendships. I need to stop thinking that just because someone hasn't called in a long time that they have forgotten about me, or that just because I did something to make someone mad I have to pretend as if I do not exist until they finally decide to talk to me. I can't just wait around and do nothing if I haven't heard from anyone in awhile I have to develop more initiative; I have to invite people to do things; I have to call people up just to say 'hey'. I have to prove to people that I really do care, because sometimes it probably doesn't show.
And, I have to get past the past and learn that I can trust people. There isn't any reason why someone shouldn't want to be my friend and be able to trust me enough to tell me things about their life. I need to get over every trace of paranoia that something will ruin every relationship I have and just focus on being a friend to everyone who matters to me. Because, without them, I'd be a wreck.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Lurkers.
Maybe this is why I never blog. Ya know, the fact that I can never think of anything worth writing down. Well, that and because I thought "who is actually going to read this" - or any one of my blog-installments-to-be for that matter. But, the second reason gives me no excuse not to start blogging. Why? Because, in all actuality, someone will end up reading this. And, how do I know? Simple answer: "silent visitors" (hah. I made that up); people who visit personal websites, watch YouTube videos, read fanfics, and click on Myspace profile pages without leaving a message. I myself am guilty of this charge multiple times daily; I'm sure most avid Internet users fit the said category as well. Many a time have I looked at a freshly uploaded photo album on Facebook without leaving one comment and read a new blog on a friend's Myspace page without giving kudos - even though I hate when people do that to me; I enjoy receiving comments! For all you Myspace users, don't you ever wonder who is viewing your profile page so much? And, for all you website owners, don't you ever wonder what all the people who stop by without signing your guestbook think about your site? I have both a Myspace page and own a couple of websites, and my answer is "yes"!
So, lame as it may be, I thought of something to write down. Personally I don't think it's worth it - and am half tempted to just 'X' out of this window without saving and forget I ever tried to blog in the first place - but that's a whole nother story. I guess someone - even if I never know about it - will see that I have broken the ice to my not-being-able-to-blog-phase. To that person - or people - sorry that I wasted your time. xD haha.
So, lame as it may be, I thought of something to write down. Personally I don't think it's worth it - and am half tempted to just 'X' out of this window without saving and forget I ever tried to blog in the first place - but that's a whole nother story. I guess someone - even if I never know about it - will see that I have broken the ice to my not-being-able-to-blog-phase. To that person - or people - sorry that I wasted your time. xD haha.
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