Friends.

I hate the fact that people I know might read this. But, it might actually be a good thing if they did, since I tend to not be completely open with everyone. This I know.

So, the honest truth is, I don't think I have a best friend. Ya know, someone I can tell absolutely everything to. I really don't know if I ever did. Don't get me wrong, there are quite a few people who come close, but close is still too far away.

Right now, the girl I used to spend essentially all of my time with for years is hardly in my life anymore. That's not what I want. I want her too not be so busy and to not be so consumed by her after school activity. Sidewalks, tracks, and dirt paths at Wildwood park replaced me. It sucks. I'd tell her that I miss her, but that's not the kind of relationship we had; we never really talked about our problems to each other. Or maybe she just never had any? Either way, it was nice just being able to hang out with someone and no drama be included; we had our own disconnected world together - probably because we never hung out with each others' friends. Strange? Possibly. But I loved every minute of it.

Of course, devoting all of my free time - my summer and my weekends once school started - to one person probably wasn't such a great idea while trying to have other friends, as well. But, I did it anyway and then wondered why the heck I didn't feel as much a part of the group as everyone else was. The thing is, I don't know that I ever wanted to be a part of the group anyway. I never felt like I fit in or had many things in common with the rest of them. That's what pushed me away. Why put in so much effort to fit in when you already have someone who shares so many interest with you? Yea, I suppose that was my reasoning. I don't know if I did the right thing, but the good news is, I met new people - people whom I never want out of my life - and have maintained a stable friendship with most everyone else, too.

Truth be told, when I started making new friends, I felt like a total jerk; I didn't want anyone else to get the idea that they weren't good enough. But, that was the problem; I didn't wanna be in a clique. I had to branch out. And I am so glad I did. Most of the time.

The thing about getting close to people is the fact that something will get in the way, eventually. The happiness and lack of conflict doesn't last forever. And, at that very time when you make one of the closest friends you have in your life cry becuase you didn't want her to ruin her life, something happens - like when a mirror shatters; you can piece it back together, but there will always be cracks. At this point in time, that's exactly what I think. Many a time I sacrifice my happiness for hers. Maybe because I'm stupid. Or maybe because I don't wanna go through another break in our friendship. Not like that doesn't occur regularly anyway. I mean, I get put on a dang waiting list just to hang out with her nowadays. I've learned the hard way that a boyfriend is more than just a boyfriend, he's a best friend, someone who will steal your importance in mere weeks. And, until I work up the nerve to tell her exactly how lousy I think she is balancing her time between her friends and the 'love of her life', I'd just like to say that I miss how things used to be. Oh, and ask her if she really meant it when she said I could tell her anything and that she'd always be there for me. Cause I certainly had a miserable winter break, and I didn't see much effort on her part.

As for my part, I need to start putting more effort into all of my friendships. I need to stop thinking that just because someone hasn't called in a long time that they have forgotten about me, or that just because I did something to make someone mad I have to pretend as if I do not exist until they finally decide to talk to me. I can't just wait around and do nothing if I haven't heard from anyone in awhile I have to develop more initiative; I have to invite people to do things; I have to call people up just to say 'hey'. I have to prove to people that I really do care, because sometimes it probably doesn't show.

And, I have to get past the past and learn that I can trust people. There isn't any reason why someone shouldn't want to be my friend and be able to trust me enough to tell me things about their life. I need to get over every trace of paranoia that something will ruin every relationship I have and just focus on being a friend to everyone who matters to me. Because, without them, I'd be a wreck.