Dreading.

I don't know if I've ever felt so lonely.
I don't know if I've ever cried for so long.
I don't know if this time will be the only,
if I assume that it is I will certainly be wrong.

Last night was the worst I've felt in awhile.
Hopeless. Alone. Insecure. Vulnerable.
Sadness overtook my entire body.
It was numb and out of control.
The tears seemed never ending.
I was trapped by fear.
My thoughts ran wild.
I couldn't stop them.

Today is no better.
I sat at home.
I watched tv.
I hung on the computer.
I sulked in negative emotion.
I didn't tell anyone.
This is my secret.
For now.

People know why I am dreading the future.
But, I don't think they know how much.
I know I should live in the present.
But, I cannot find the strength to do so.
This thought is eating away at me.
And, it hurts.
So much.

All I want for Christmas is for my wish to come true.
At 11:11 I wish for you. I always do.