Holding Back Tears.

Is break supposed to suck so bad?
Should I want it to be over right now?
Well, I am pretty sure that I do.

Putting a few hours from a couple of days aside, I haven't seen anyone, I haven't gone anywhere, and I haven't done anything.

As time goes on, I wish more and more that high school wasn't over; college is a lonely place, most of the time. I miss my friends - I miss seeing them in the hallway everyday and having classes with them; I miss knowing so many of the people around me. I just want that all back, and maybe to be a year younger (and a grade lower), too; that way I'd be with the people who seem to care about me the most.

For days, I've just felt like crying. That's not how it's supposed to be. I should be out having a good time with my friends. But, no. All I get are those meaningless offers - "we're going to hang out soon"... Yeaaa, soon never seems to come. I always get my hopes up over nothing. Just stop telling me that "we will do something fun soon!" Seriously, I've been let down enough already. Just tell me the truth because I already know what that is: "Sarah, maybe, if I'm not too busy for you and I don't have any better offers, we can do something like once every month?" Okay, so that's a bit of an exaggeration, I know. Still, the point is, I wouldn't get as upset over things that I don't expect to happen in the first place. Now, I just give up hope and trust all together - that is until someone proves to me that I can think otherwise.

[[You're a walking contradiction; you give me false hope.]]

I believe that I'll be happy again sometime soon, because everything seems to change so quickly - even though 'quickly' can sometimes seem like forever. For instance, people get closer, you get replaced; or people make up, and again, you get replaced. It gets harder and harder every time, especially since no one has really given me a reason to think that I'm an important part in their life - I mean, for all I know, my friends would do just fine if we never spoke again; they have so many other people to turn to.

Sometimes, I think about meeting a genuine 'best friend' and leaving people behind - people who made me feel worthless at times. But, I hate myself even more for even thinking such a thing.

I still want to hear that you're sorry; I want you to let me know that I matter; I want to be at the top of the list - the most important 'Sarah' in your life; I want us to be forever; I just want to be together; I want to have fun; I don't want to cry; I'm tired of tears; just stop with the lies; I love you, I love you all but what's going on right now just isn't enough.

Alone.

The Sad Silence.

She hides her thoughts;

she keeps them in a bottle.

She waits for the day

that she can let them out and SMILE.

The truth is, she isn't confident;

flaws don't equal beauty.

But, she stores up all the compliments

in hopes that one day

she will BELIEVE them.

Oh, how she misses you,

the way you are when you aren't with them.

She hates that she'll never, ever compare;

she longs to fit in

&& not STAND OUT.

Sometimes she cries;

sometimes she lies,

to save all of her friendships

that are only getting WORSE.

Maybe she's just paranoid.

Or, maybe it's a CURSE.

[[and sometimes she wishes that she didn't make lame attempts at any form of writing...]]

Yea, so I've just been thinking lately - actually, I am always doing that; and it's always a wide range of jumbled emotions and thoughts. But, now I can't think, so this entry is done.