I'm Not Sorry.

Not one little bit.

It's not my fault &&
I'm starting to see it.

Why do I act like I do?
Out of fear.
Fear that I'll fail.
Fear that it'll be the end.
Fear that I'll lose it all.

I've worked too hard to just throw it all away
I thought the plan was set to forever,
but I'm not so sure that plan will stay.

Maybe tomorrow I'll figure out exactly what I want
And, if that's not the case, I will continue to hunt
through my head, my heart, my soul...

Love will still exist even if I let go.

- - - - - - -

Just give me a chance.
the light of day.
hear me out.
please do it my way,
for once.
this time can be the last
if damage is beyond repair.
did you ever love me?
do you still care?
yes? no?
It doesn't really matter.
I don't have it in me,
to trust what you say.
One way or another,
I'm gonna give it to you straight.
Can't handle it?
Then just be on your way.

Back to School.

And, I won't see you at all.
[[Maybe it's for the best?]]

The thing is, I didn't take the last few months for granted;
I knew at the beginning that it would be an end.
I tried so hard to prepare, but it just wasn't possible.

Maybe I'll find an awesome person in one of my classes this semester.
[[Then again, maybe not; I mean, I never do.]]
I need someone in my life who will love everything about me - someone who will never be embarrassed by me - and treat me how I deserve to be treated all the time, not just once in awhile.

All I know right now is hurt, dissappointment, and fear;
I don't want to put up with it anymore;
I don't deserve to put up with it anymore.

Today at 11:11 I didn't wish for you like I always do.
Chances do run out, eventually... that time is near.

*Disclaimer*
I am so tired right now! So, if nothing makes sense and/or nothing flows, I am not to be held accountable. =] haha.

Also, I am not really a negative Debbie downer on a day-to-day basis. It just so happens that I usually feel the urge to blog more often when I'm in a craptastic mood.

The end.

A New Year.

&& Old Situations.
(they're getting OLD!)

It's 2010.
Everything that I though would go away is happening again.

Resolutions?
Be more like someone else for the sake of actually being the most important for once in my life. Why must I fail so badly at friendships? It's ridiculous.
Okay, so that's not really my resolution, but I wish I didn't have to work so hard for something that should just occur naturally. Why does it take me so much longer that anyone else to establish anything important in life. Then, once I have it, it just gets ripped away. One wrong move, and I feel like I'll lose everything - I'll be put out of the picture forever. I hate this feeling so very much, but I just can't get over it.

I have decided that it is not who I am that holds me back, but rather who I think I am not.

Who I am: Artistic. Creative. Caring. Genuine...
Who I think I am not: Important enough.

Some real resolutions:
•Increase self confidence.
•Exercise regularly.
•Eat healthy (er).
•Stop procrastinating.
•Don't worry; be happy. (:

My Facebook 'About Me' from 2009:
I'm just the skinny girl with the big brown eyes who is easily amused yet hard to please. I laugh at silly movies, && I'm stubborn as a stone. Yea, I criticize my body, worry all the time, && wonder if I'm ready to ever grow up. And, sometimes I'm just too "unique" for my own good. But, then again, life's not about fitting in, it's about standing out.
So, don't ever tell me that I have no life, I do - I just find my own ways to have fun.[[ Drinking is just a lame excuse of a hobby - unless we're talking juice pouches.]] I don't need to follow the crowd to be cool; sorry to disappoint you.
I still color in coloring books; I still play on the playground; I still watch cartoons. My true friends accept me for who I am; they are there when no one else cares, and that's all that really matters ♥

I just took it off; time to change things up, and hopefully change my life around.

Dreading.

I don't know if I've ever felt so lonely.
I don't know if I've ever cried for so long.
I don't know if this time will be the only,
if I assume that it is I will certainly be wrong.

Last night was the worst I've felt in awhile.
Hopeless. Alone. Insecure. Vulnerable.
Sadness overtook my entire body.
It was numb and out of control.
The tears seemed never ending.
I was trapped by fear.
My thoughts ran wild.
I couldn't stop them.

Today is no better.
I sat at home.
I watched tv.
I hung on the computer.
I sulked in negative emotion.
I didn't tell anyone.
This is my secret.
For now.

People know why I am dreading the future.
But, I don't think they know how much.
I know I should live in the present.
But, I cannot find the strength to do so.
This thought is eating away at me.
And, it hurts.
So much.

All I want for Christmas is for my wish to come true.
At 11:11 I wish for you. I always do.

Don't Go.

Don't leave.
Just stay here.
Please.

By the way, this has nothing to do with right now.
It may not happen - that'd make me happy.
But, that's all I wish to say.
The end.

Post Secrets.

At 11:11 I Wish for You.
I always do.

[[Ever noticed that I always
post blogs at the same exact time?
Well, it's just an illusion;
I alter the post time. =P]]

DAMN! It's seriously 11:12 right now.
=[ I missed it!

- - - - - - - - - -

Alrighty, let us move on to our topic. Post Secrets.
Ya know, people send in anonymous post cards to this place//company//site//whatever it is and write down their deep dark secrets in creative ways. Yea, that.

I've been reading a lot of them; I find them interesting - yet sometimes sad.

Actually, this blog of mine is a giant Post Secret in itself. I guess I don't have to send any postcards out.

I'm actually in a semi-good mood right now. Probably because I get to hang out with one of my best friends tomorrow. Finally. But, I can tell that all the other emotions are just waiting to come back out when the slightest of something upsets me. That is bound to be soon. Just trust me.

Anyway, I thought it would be fun to watch some Post Secret videos on YouTube and jot down some of the ones that apply to me. Hopefully it doesn't put a damper on my mood.

"There are two kinds of secrets: those we keep from others, and the ones we hide from ourselves."

•I make everyone believe that I like to be different, but really I just don't know how to fit in.
•If you wait too long for the perfect moment, the perfect moment will pass you by.
•I wish I could meet the people who send stuff to Post Secret... a lot of them are just like me.
•We all have secrets.
•Your smile is all it takes for me to smile.
•I wish I could just be myself and not care what everyone else thinks.
•I miss my old friends.
•Sometimes we put up walls not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to knock them down.
•I've always wanted to run through a car wash.
•I wish I knew more gay people.

I'm getting tired. So, that's all for now.

[[Oh, and how did I know I'd be sad soon! Just for not being included in anything lately. =[ It's possible that I could be, but I highly doubt it... ]]

Past, Present, & Future.

"Remember the past, live in the present, & think to the future."
I guess you could say that quote belongs to me. But, I seem to have trouble balancing out the three parts.

The truth is, at times like this - when I feel neglected, alone, and paranoid - I seem to dwell on the past, mope around in the present, and dread what the future may bring.

What I need to do is listen to Carlos Santana: “Most people are prisoners, thinking only about the future or living in the past. They are not in the present, and the present is where everything begins.” Or, maybe not, because his first sentence describes me quite well; I am often a prisoner of my thoughts, memories, and feelings. And, all I do with my present is regret.

I still think back to certain AIM conversations. What if I would have said "No. That doesn't sound dumb at all, because I wish I could hug someone for an hour, too. And, I want it to be you." What if I would have stepped up and branched out? What if I would have stood up for myself more often? What if I were more outspoken? What if I would have left that lunch table, too? ... I could go on forever - ultimitely ending up with: What if I was less like myself...

Ugh. I beat myself up time and time again by thinking. And, then I wonder about that whole do-things-actually-happen-for-a-reason thing. Do they? Because, in that case, if things had went differently in the past, would the changes to the future - my present - be for the better? Maybe I'll never know. But, anyhow, is my present actually that great?

Is it great to be stuck at home while your best friend is constantly on vacation without you?
Is it great that someone who lives literally less than a minute away from me hasn't hung out with me at all?
Is it great to feel like the odd one out in a group that I could never get close to?

I feel like I'm missing out on so much. I feel like I'm growing further apart from people. It doesn't even matter whos fault it is, becuase I always find a way to blame it on myself.

How do I make everything turn out alright? If I forget the past completley that won't do anything for me - friendships need a history to be strong. But, if I stay fixated on what has already happened I won't be able to move on and make anything better.

[[Tell me you're sorry; build up my trust; hold me close to show me that what we have is going to last forever. I need to be reminded; I need to be reassured.]]

p.s. I fail at keeping up with this blogging thing. =P