Past, Present, & Future.

"Remember the past, live in the present, & think to the future."
I guess you could say that quote belongs to me. But, I seem to have trouble balancing out the three parts.

The truth is, at times like this - when I feel neglected, alone, and paranoid - I seem to dwell on the past, mope around in the present, and dread what the future may bring.

What I need to do is listen to Carlos Santana: “Most people are prisoners, thinking only about the future or living in the past. They are not in the present, and the present is where everything begins.” Or, maybe not, because his first sentence describes me quite well; I am often a prisoner of my thoughts, memories, and feelings. And, all I do with my present is regret.

I still think back to certain AIM conversations. What if I would have said "No. That doesn't sound dumb at all, because I wish I could hug someone for an hour, too. And, I want it to be you." What if I would have stepped up and branched out? What if I would have stood up for myself more often? What if I were more outspoken? What if I would have left that lunch table, too? ... I could go on forever - ultimitely ending up with: What if I was less like myself...

Ugh. I beat myself up time and time again by thinking. And, then I wonder about that whole do-things-actually-happen-for-a-reason thing. Do they? Because, in that case, if things had went differently in the past, would the changes to the future - my present - be for the better? Maybe I'll never know. But, anyhow, is my present actually that great?

Is it great to be stuck at home while your best friend is constantly on vacation without you?
Is it great that someone who lives literally less than a minute away from me hasn't hung out with me at all?
Is it great to feel like the odd one out in a group that I could never get close to?

I feel like I'm missing out on so much. I feel like I'm growing further apart from people. It doesn't even matter whos fault it is, becuase I always find a way to blame it on myself.

How do I make everything turn out alright? If I forget the past completley that won't do anything for me - friendships need a history to be strong. But, if I stay fixated on what has already happened I won't be able to move on and make anything better.

[[Tell me you're sorry; build up my trust; hold me close to show me that what we have is going to last forever. I need to be reminded; I need to be reassured.]]

p.s. I fail at keeping up with this blogging thing. =P