A New Year.

&& Old Situations.
(they're getting OLD!)

It's 2010.
Everything that I though would go away is happening again.

Resolutions?
Be more like someone else for the sake of actually being the most important for once in my life. Why must I fail so badly at friendships? It's ridiculous.
Okay, so that's not really my resolution, but I wish I didn't have to work so hard for something that should just occur naturally. Why does it take me so much longer that anyone else to establish anything important in life. Then, once I have it, it just gets ripped away. One wrong move, and I feel like I'll lose everything - I'll be put out of the picture forever. I hate this feeling so very much, but I just can't get over it.

I have decided that it is not who I am that holds me back, but rather who I think I am not.

Who I am: Artistic. Creative. Caring. Genuine...
Who I think I am not: Important enough.

Some real resolutions:
•Increase self confidence.
•Exercise regularly.
•Eat healthy (er).
•Stop procrastinating.
•Don't worry; be happy. (:

My Facebook 'About Me' from 2009:
I'm just the skinny girl with the big brown eyes who is easily amused yet hard to please. I laugh at silly movies, && I'm stubborn as a stone. Yea, I criticize my body, worry all the time, && wonder if I'm ready to ever grow up. And, sometimes I'm just too "unique" for my own good. But, then again, life's not about fitting in, it's about standing out.
So, don't ever tell me that I have no life, I do - I just find my own ways to have fun.[[ Drinking is just a lame excuse of a hobby - unless we're talking juice pouches.]] I don't need to follow the crowd to be cool; sorry to disappoint you.
I still color in coloring books; I still play on the playground; I still watch cartoons. My true friends accept me for who I am; they are there when no one else cares, and that's all that really matters ♥

I just took it off; time to change things up, and hopefully change my life around.

Dreading.

I don't know if I've ever felt so lonely.
I don't know if I've ever cried for so long.
I don't know if this time will be the only,
if I assume that it is I will certainly be wrong.

Last night was the worst I've felt in awhile.
Hopeless. Alone. Insecure. Vulnerable.
Sadness overtook my entire body.
It was numb and out of control.
The tears seemed never ending.
I was trapped by fear.
My thoughts ran wild.
I couldn't stop them.

Today is no better.
I sat at home.
I watched tv.
I hung on the computer.
I sulked in negative emotion.
I didn't tell anyone.
This is my secret.
For now.

People know why I am dreading the future.
But, I don't think they know how much.
I know I should live in the present.
But, I cannot find the strength to do so.
This thought is eating away at me.
And, it hurts.
So much.

All I want for Christmas is for my wish to come true.
At 11:11 I wish for you. I always do.

Don't Go.

Don't leave.
Just stay here.
Please.

By the way, this has nothing to do with right now.
It may not happen - that'd make me happy.
But, that's all I wish to say.
The end.

Post Secrets.

At 11:11 I Wish for You.
I always do.

[[Ever noticed that I always
post blogs at the same exact time?
Well, it's just an illusion;
I alter the post time. =P]]

DAMN! It's seriously 11:12 right now.
=[ I missed it!

- - - - - - - - - -

Alrighty, let us move on to our topic. Post Secrets.
Ya know, people send in anonymous post cards to this place//company//site//whatever it is and write down their deep dark secrets in creative ways. Yea, that.

I've been reading a lot of them; I find them interesting - yet sometimes sad.

Actually, this blog of mine is a giant Post Secret in itself. I guess I don't have to send any postcards out.

I'm actually in a semi-good mood right now. Probably because I get to hang out with one of my best friends tomorrow. Finally. But, I can tell that all the other emotions are just waiting to come back out when the slightest of something upsets me. That is bound to be soon. Just trust me.

Anyway, I thought it would be fun to watch some Post Secret videos on YouTube and jot down some of the ones that apply to me. Hopefully it doesn't put a damper on my mood.

"There are two kinds of secrets: those we keep from others, and the ones we hide from ourselves."

•I make everyone believe that I like to be different, but really I just don't know how to fit in.
•If you wait too long for the perfect moment, the perfect moment will pass you by.
•I wish I could meet the people who send stuff to Post Secret... a lot of them are just like me.
•We all have secrets.
•Your smile is all it takes for me to smile.
•I wish I could just be myself and not care what everyone else thinks.
•I miss my old friends.
•Sometimes we put up walls not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to knock them down.
•I've always wanted to run through a car wash.
•I wish I knew more gay people.

I'm getting tired. So, that's all for now.

[[Oh, and how did I know I'd be sad soon! Just for not being included in anything lately. =[ It's possible that I could be, but I highly doubt it... ]]

Past, Present, & Future.

"Remember the past, live in the present, & think to the future."
I guess you could say that quote belongs to me. But, I seem to have trouble balancing out the three parts.

The truth is, at times like this - when I feel neglected, alone, and paranoid - I seem to dwell on the past, mope around in the present, and dread what the future may bring.

What I need to do is listen to Carlos Santana: “Most people are prisoners, thinking only about the future or living in the past. They are not in the present, and the present is where everything begins.” Or, maybe not, because his first sentence describes me quite well; I am often a prisoner of my thoughts, memories, and feelings. And, all I do with my present is regret.

I still think back to certain AIM conversations. What if I would have said "No. That doesn't sound dumb at all, because I wish I could hug someone for an hour, too. And, I want it to be you." What if I would have stepped up and branched out? What if I would have stood up for myself more often? What if I were more outspoken? What if I would have left that lunch table, too? ... I could go on forever - ultimitely ending up with: What if I was less like myself...

Ugh. I beat myself up time and time again by thinking. And, then I wonder about that whole do-things-actually-happen-for-a-reason thing. Do they? Because, in that case, if things had went differently in the past, would the changes to the future - my present - be for the better? Maybe I'll never know. But, anyhow, is my present actually that great?

Is it great to be stuck at home while your best friend is constantly on vacation without you?
Is it great that someone who lives literally less than a minute away from me hasn't hung out with me at all?
Is it great to feel like the odd one out in a group that I could never get close to?

I feel like I'm missing out on so much. I feel like I'm growing further apart from people. It doesn't even matter whos fault it is, becuase I always find a way to blame it on myself.

How do I make everything turn out alright? If I forget the past completley that won't do anything for me - friendships need a history to be strong. But, if I stay fixated on what has already happened I won't be able to move on and make anything better.

[[Tell me you're sorry; build up my trust; hold me close to show me that what we have is going to last forever. I need to be reminded; I need to be reassured.]]

p.s. I fail at keeping up with this blogging thing. =P

Holding Back Tears.

Is break supposed to suck so bad?
Should I want it to be over right now?
Well, I am pretty sure that I do.

Putting a few hours from a couple of days aside, I haven't seen anyone, I haven't gone anywhere, and I haven't done anything.

As time goes on, I wish more and more that high school wasn't over; college is a lonely place, most of the time. I miss my friends - I miss seeing them in the hallway everyday and having classes with them; I miss knowing so many of the people around me. I just want that all back, and maybe to be a year younger (and a grade lower), too; that way I'd be with the people who seem to care about me the most.

For days, I've just felt like crying. That's not how it's supposed to be. I should be out having a good time with my friends. But, no. All I get are those meaningless offers - "we're going to hang out soon"... Yeaaa, soon never seems to come. I always get my hopes up over nothing. Just stop telling me that "we will do something fun soon!" Seriously, I've been let down enough already. Just tell me the truth because I already know what that is: "Sarah, maybe, if I'm not too busy for you and I don't have any better offers, we can do something like once every month?" Okay, so that's a bit of an exaggeration, I know. Still, the point is, I wouldn't get as upset over things that I don't expect to happen in the first place. Now, I just give up hope and trust all together - that is until someone proves to me that I can think otherwise.

[[You're a walking contradiction; you give me false hope.]]

I believe that I'll be happy again sometime soon, because everything seems to change so quickly - even though 'quickly' can sometimes seem like forever. For instance, people get closer, you get replaced; or people make up, and again, you get replaced. It gets harder and harder every time, especially since no one has really given me a reason to think that I'm an important part in their life - I mean, for all I know, my friends would do just fine if we never spoke again; they have so many other people to turn to.

Sometimes, I think about meeting a genuine 'best friend' and leaving people behind - people who made me feel worthless at times. But, I hate myself even more for even thinking such a thing.

I still want to hear that you're sorry; I want you to let me know that I matter; I want to be at the top of the list - the most important 'Sarah' in your life; I want us to be forever; I just want to be together; I want to have fun; I don't want to cry; I'm tired of tears; just stop with the lies; I love you, I love you all but what's going on right now just isn't enough.

Alone.

The Sad Silence.

She hides her thoughts;

she keeps them in a bottle.

She waits for the day

that she can let them out and SMILE.

The truth is, she isn't confident;

flaws don't equal beauty.

But, she stores up all the compliments

in hopes that one day

she will BELIEVE them.

Oh, how she misses you,

the way you are when you aren't with them.

She hates that she'll never, ever compare;

she longs to fit in

&& not STAND OUT.

Sometimes she cries;

sometimes she lies,

to save all of her friendships

that are only getting WORSE.

Maybe she's just paranoid.

Or, maybe it's a CURSE.

[[and sometimes she wishes that she didn't make lame attempts at any form of writing...]]

Yea, so I've just been thinking lately - actually, I am always doing that; and it's always a wide range of jumbled emotions and thoughts. But, now I can't think, so this entry is done.